Mother Polka’s Musings – Where Is The Groom?

by | Bride, Mother Polka's Musings


In case you’re new to the blog, you may not have met my mother. My mother, the most amazing woman I have ever had the pleasure of knowing, often is on the other end when I talk about Polka Dot Bride (because Mr Polka Dot can only take so much, let’s be honest!) and being married for over thirty years, I value her viewpoint. This is her fourth appearance on the blog with her feature “Mother Polka’s Musings“. You can read more of her musings here.


Ms Polka Dot gets many requests to post weddings on her blog.

She often receives many pictures of the bride, her preparations for the day, the dress, her shoes, the bridesmaids. Sometimes there are not many pictures of the groom, except in the ‘couple’ or ‘group’ shots – in fact, she occasionally has to ask what the groom’s name is!

You don’t have to be a ‘bridezilla’ to become totally immersed in your wedding preparations and inadvertently overlook your groom. It is a frantic time, with lots of decisions to be made and more often than not, you’re still working as well! It is easy to become caught up in the busy-ness of it all.

Not feeling heard often equates to not feeling validated. You will know that, when well meaning family members push you with their ideas and it seems a compromise just won’t do! Your partner may not say anything when you excitedly spruik forth your ideas, and unwittingly push his to one side in your enthusiasm, but I’ll bet that he is silently throwing his hands up and saying ‘what the heck…..’!

A sigh is a silent scream – so I’m told! (Sigh, stay silent, withdraw…. resentment). Do you want this to be the pattern of your relationship? I’ll bet you don’t! We need to be sensitive as to when to push for what we want and when, in the scheme of things it is not really that important and we can let it go!

Sit in stillness and really listen to your partner. The art of listening is not to formulate in your mind your retort, justifications or ideas while your partner is talking. Let the silence drift between sentences. Silence encourages more revelations, deep thoughts and exposing of the soul. Remind yourself of the reasons you are marrying him – his sense of humour, his smile, his sense of fun.

A marriage is a dance. Sometimes you will go forwards, and your partner will move backwards. Sometimes your partner will go forward and you will move to the side and sometimes you will dance separately. But the most comforting dance is when you hold each other and dance in the same direction. This takes a lot of work, a lot of listening, a lot of tolerance and willingness to accommodate another equally valid point of view, even if you don’t agree with it. Compromise!
Forgive yourself if you have become too ‘caught up’ in the moment at times – we all do it. Resolve that from now on you will nurture yourself, your partner and your relationship by allowing the space for you both to be heard.

And Ms Polka would really like to see the big smiles from your groom on your wedding day!

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  • Lize says:
    May 18, 2010 at 8:03 pm

    so true. I often hear girl friends talking about `my wedding’ and `my day’ and what `i’ want and they are so set in their ideas of what they want they don’t even consider another opinion. It seems it is so easy to forgot the real reason for a wedding – celebrating true love between two people.
    When our turn comes, we can’t wait to plan an event that sums up `us’, because isn’t that what it’s all about, after all! It doesn’t have to be a perfect white wedding either, why not make it one to remember.

  • Anna says:
    May 18, 2010 at 9:20 pm

    Wise, beautiful and well chosen words. Thanks!

  • Dream Wedding Italy says:
    May 19, 2010 at 2:08 am

    That couldn’t have been put better… All very true! alothough you get some groomzillas out there too 🙂

  • Parthenia says:
    May 19, 2010 at 3:48 am

    This was really a great post! I appreciate your insight.

  • The Modern Gal says:
    May 19, 2010 at 12:36 pm

    Right on, Mother Polka!!

  • Clare says:
    May 20, 2010 at 12:27 pm

    OOoo! my groom is sooo into the details I don’t think he would let me forget about him in the planning process. I can understand why some women would prefer to leave them out of the planning – it’s a lot easier to be creative when your ideas aren’t clashing with someone else’s! It also seems that every vendor you work with directs their questions to the bride, reinforcing that attitude… kind of sad really, because you’re absolutely right Mother Polka, it’s about the both of you working and planning together 🙂

  • Fee says:
    June 17, 2010 at 2:01 pm

    Well said Mother Polka. It drives me crazy that everything to do with weddings is covered in floral, pastel, lacy girly stuff. Some of it’s adorable, but I can’t in all conscience go with something like that for a day that’s all about ‘us’. I look at some weddings and think ‘how on earth did the groom agree to that??’
    Where does the groom get represented?



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